Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Why Am I Not Enough?

I've taken kind of a harsh position in defense of my lifestyle choices.  Putting the alternative under a microscope, blaming both parties for being lazy and lettiing the romance and intrigue fall to the floor.  Since I openly admit I am out of the lifestyle as frequently as I'm in, I want to explore the other side of the coin.  What happened to two soulmates (me & Jake)?  Why aren't we enough for each other?  How selfish and vain are we that we are bored and fearful of DECADES of commitment and monogomy?

We're pretty selfish.  But we're compassionate, empathetic, open people.  We try and help the community, mostly at the holidays through food and gift donations.  Throughout the year we are generous to Salvation Army, our housekeeper, our contractors.  We have are neighbors over for cocktails and when they ask what they can bring, I rarely request.  But I do think we're selfish overall because of the choices we make.  We're doing the "live life to the fullest" thing.  I contemplate whether we should, instead, help others fill their basic needs.  Just because I believe we're in the norm, doesn't mean I think it's right.  So, yes, I think I have reasonably established that (I think) we're selfish.

Vanity?  You betcha.  Botox, blowouts, skin-care, massages, trainers....It is an absolute priority. The lifestyle is about the only venue I can think of that really and truly appreciates these choices.  I can't slice it any other way.

So here we are, vain and selfish, having great sex, wearing pleather, leather, metal and lace.  After a decade of this, who's the show for?  Seen it hundreds of times.  While it's hot and sexy, wouldn't it be more erotic to include an audience...that participates?  Sounds like a great argument to me.  And I wasn't even trying to convince myself!!!!! I just thought I was demented.

Back on track.  I don't know if I'm capable of bashing my choice.  I'm too far down in the well to see why I'm not enough, because clearly, I'm not.  Have I convinced myself that a life-long commitment is unreasonable?  Maybe I will blame society and advertising for their covert-overt operation of pounding this idea into my psyche.  What am I missing?


  1. I think no-one should be apologetic about being selfish, narcistic, and self-centered. If you're not fully committed (and from deep inside of your heart) to be anti- any of those mentioned above qualities, why fake?

    i think a life-long commitment is both reasonable and unreasonable, being as pragmatic as i can be. on one hand, it's lovely to have a partner/companion to share the memories with. on the other hand, it's arrogant, in my mind, to think that one person can be ALL the other person NEEDS.

    ok, i'm rambling. let me go and dilute my coffee now. :-)


  2. I think you are right on...hence the constant theme of's so reasonable, yet unreasonable to be someone's one and only. I think it's beyond sad that there is such hatred and loathing for us who are trying to understand this concept overtly. Society is so much more forgiving of those who stray in secrecy than of those who play together. That seems liked such a warped view to me.
    p.s. - don't dilute the coffee!!! just drink more and more frequently. we really need to have a cup together....

  3. I am feeling very deprived... Hopefully you will have a new post soon :)

  4. Sorry I have been so lazy! Jake has been traveling and I have been catching up on my sleep......I hope you like my latest
    xoxo Mimi