Saturday, October 24, 2009

The War of the Roses

It's such a sad, common sight.  Couples who have it all.  The American Dream -- financial security, beautiful children, new purebread puppy.  What do thy lay in bed thanking God for?  I know, do you?  It's not health, happiness or wealth.   He's thankful for strip clubs, waitresses with long legs and short skirts, cleavage.......She's thankful he's in Europe.  

Many of our friends fit this profile.  They just can't see what they have.  Or once had.  Their vision is clouded by the sight of homework.  Sick kids.  A house that never seems clean enough.  She turns to champagne and TiVo for stimulation.  And I already told you where he is.

I want to get to the root of this plague so I can wipe it out.  Jake and I find it so tough to mingle with this breed.  Isn't the answer simple?  It's not about sex.  Well, maybe it is a little bit.  I think it's more about....Never mind.  It's definitely about sex.  It's the one word solution?  Maybe.  I can't imagine that anyone would take on a partner that didn't at least once rock their world with just a kiss, a touch, or for the rest of us, a banging night of sex.  It had to have happened for anyone to be together.  I'll argue this point all day long.

What happens to cause people to lose this feeling?  I had a communications class in college where I learned something I'll never ever forget.  The professor told us that marriage is work.  It's a full-time job.  You can't come home from work and become your rude, lazy slobby self.  You have to put as much work into your relationship as you do into your career.  You can argue that true love shouldn't be work, it should come naturally.  Just like childbirth, right?

What's the problem, friends?  Where does the romance go?

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Single Male Sex and the Married Woman

No, I didn't have it.  Yes, an opportunity did present itself.  I'm going to start by answering some questions,   first.

Who was I looking to satisfy?  Satisfying Jake and satisfying Mimi are one in the same.  Seriously.  But are our needs the same? I don't think they are.  If I give you a raw exposure of what's inside, lighting my fire it's all heart. My heart is the key to my sexuality.  Can I sit at a bar identify a ripe specimen, make a connection, ignite the passion, give in to animal instincts, give, receive and call it success?  There are two answers.  Probably.  And the other is, No.

I've met men at bars before.  Men that rocked me in a way I thought was reserved for Hollywood scripting.  Think Diane Lane in Unfaithful, bathroom scene.  I've danced with men in clubs, felt their heated breath in my ear, felt their hard cock on my thigh.  Like a vampire searching for sustinance, I just wanted a taste.  But the circumstances were so different.  Jake wasn't there.  I was on a girl's trip.  It was kind of like a big popularity contest.  Men liked me.  I drove them wild.  Talk about an endorphin rush.  I'm just not the girl who would go beyond the dance floor.  My heart has been with Jake since I was 19 years old.  I would never have a tryst without some type of involvement or input from him.

It's the whole concept of the secret.  Sure, you need to have a few in your lifetime.  But I've identified that it's far more sexy and solid to have shared secrets.  I am my husband's secret.  I want to keep it that way.

Flash forward to Vegas last week.  I have the 'green light'.  Find someone who rocks my world.  Do what I please.  I tried to take myself back a few years to that dirty desired feeling.  It was so sexy for me to rub lotion on myself in my cosmopolitan hotel room thinking about Mr. Hot and Single.  My heart and head had arrived at a mutual level of understanding.  Here's what turns me on.  First, Jake is my ultimate meter.  If he thinks I'm hot, I am so turned on.  I wonder if this is crazy.  We've been together twenty years.  The notion that I still drive him wild seems so far-fetched.  Yet it's a reality.  I get so much pleasure from seeing myself in his baby-blues.  When he closes his eyes and dreams, I get to be the star.  So what if I have a co-star?

I have all of these CONFLICTING theories of why I struck out searching on my own.  The first is that it's not the players, it's me.  Were my attempts half-hearted?  Was I unapproachable?  Yes, I did take off my wedding bands.  But maybe there was a barrier up that I am just too close to see.  I don't think this is the reason, however.  I make friends with just about everyone who comes within eye contact with me.  I am beyond friendly.  I make a significant effort in everything I do.

Confidence?  I could have used a little more, for sure.  It's the whole "safety in numbers" concept.  Maybe it works in the reverse, too.  Maybe picking up a single is easier when you're armed with a group of companions.    I'll have to explore this.

Jake and I went to a club that night and met a group of lifestylers.  Ironically, there was a beautiful, single male in the mix.  He was beautiful because he was polite, articulate, a great dancer and conversationalist.  He was well-dressed and in great physical shape.  We danced, laughed about our demanding high-maintenance puppies....and eventually said good-night.

Was I interested?  No.  He didn't do it for me.  Just like when you are single looking for a potential mate, there's more to a match than 9-out-of-10 on the scorecard.  I wasn't a fan of one-night stands then, and I don't think I am now.  Connections are so special and rare.  I have made one.  I'm not convinced it's possible to make another.

Do I have the same high-standards when it comes to play?  Kind of.  We've played with a few couples over the past several years.  How many?  Less than 10.  I'm not talking about party kissing & touching.  I'm talking about making plans -- dating.  We just don't do it regularly.  All, or most of the variables need to be accounted for in order for us to share our intimacy.

So, am I done looking for that Single Male?  Honestly, I don't know.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Maybe I'm not a Solo Player?

Yesterday I really did try.  I wore a sexy, tiny Burberry bikini with Stuart Weitzman Patent-leather pumps to the pool.  I strolled around by myself before settling in to a chaise.  I sunbathed and relaxed for a couple of hours.  There was a creepy man enjoying my view.  A middle-aged man with his parents (can I use the word creepy twice in the same blog?).  Nada.  

I decided to take the hunt into my own hands and have a drink at the bar.  This is kind of funny because I'm not a big drinker.  I'm more of a cappucino, diet coke kind of girl.  I do enjoy a nice martini.  I carefully selected my station, next to two attractive men.  Keep in mind, I have a tiny tank top and beach skirt over my still visible bikini.  CFM pumps.  And I'm by myself.  Smiling, chatting.  Friendly.  

I order my martini with a side of olives.  I'm careful not to attach myself to my iphone.  Even the bartender is hesitant to engage.  Finally, he opens up and we chat about night clubs, shows.  I'm bringing up Burlesque, steak houses.  Can I be more approachable?  I'm waiting for an opening with the men.  OMG, they are from the same hometown as me.  I am ready to pounce.  I'm really just trying to flex a muscle here.  They are so engrossed in their discussion of pro-gaming and marketing I lose interest and pay my tab.

Ready to give in.  Not.  So I walk the casino and land in another bar.  So easy to do in Vegas.  I sit next to a man by himself.  There's no one else at the bar so he can't ignore me.  It turns out he is also from the Midwest.  Yes, it's true, we are all nice (salt of the earth type of people).  I make a new friend.  Who's more interested in poker.  Fair.

I've so enjoyed comments with other's experiences looking into this type of play.  I am considering the possibility that I'm just a team player and Jake and I have a synergy that is undeniable.....But today is another day.  I just booked a radical massage to take away my inhibitions.....I'm not throwing in the towel yet.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Mimi & Jake are off to Vegas

This'll be short and sweet because I am trying to physically and mentally prepare for our trip.  I am taking a poll.  I'm open to trying new things all day long.  What's the repercussion's I can't anticipate to live out Jake's fantasy:  For me to pick up a single male and unleash my sexual prowess.  He's made no stipulations; I can find the willing party at the pool by myself or at a night club with Jake as a voyeur.

Aside from the obvious, physical dangers I could potentially invite (bodily harm, disease -- I'm not talking about H1N1), what's the mental damage we could suffer as a couple?  Remember, we are very secure.  That being said, what good can come of this?  Should I open up to this experiment?

Let me know your opinion!

Sunday, October 11, 2009

You Must Experience it to Know if it's For You

It all seems so easy.  Fall in love.  Get married.  Have kid(s) & grandchildren.  Life happily ever after.  Everyone who can read knows this is a fairy tale.  There is way more in between the lines than could ever fill a book.  Nothing is without complication.  Big news, right?

After a few years of experimenting in this lifestyle, we are continuing to learn that this, too, has complexities we could never have anticipated.  We've made judgements, mistakes, friends and fans.  I never thought it would take so much introspection to come to where I am today.

Let me give you a glimpse.  About five years ago we went to a Halloween party.  It was one of our first lifestyle events.  We had the most dynamic evening.  The cast of characters couldn't have been better scripted.  The pick-up-lines are so different than what we were used to from our dating days.  "Are you guys full-swap?", "Can I borrow your wife?", "Is she bi?", "Do you guys want to get out of here and get naked in our room?"(at 9 p.m. -- we had just met them).  We kind of liked the up-frontness.  I think a lot of single people could learn from this directive.  Imagine the time you could save if you were able to walk up to someone in a crowded bar and say "I just want sex tonight", or "I really need to be married and pregnant by the end of the year" or "Can we have breakfast in bed naked?".  Of course I know you can say that, but it's not the expectation, as it sometimes is among life-stylers.

Back to the party.  We met a couple we'd rate a total 10 that night.  The were dressed as Jeannie & The Major.  The chemistry between the four of us was immediate.  We hadn't had a lot of experience in "group play" so when they invited us to a hotel room, we were very excited.  When we got to the room, there were a few other couples dancing, drinking, making out and more.  So we went with the heat of the moment.  We played it safe, standing in the corner. The kissing and touching between the four of us took me back to that place in my early twenties with a new lover.  I was weak in the knees and giddy.  Jake was touching me in the same way he has for over a decade, but I saw him through "Jeannie's" eyes.  It was an amazing reinforcement.  Jake is hot.  Of course I knew this, but seeing him in this environment being mentally and physically devoured by beautiful women was a turn-on for me that I hadn't anticipated.

Things got out of hand.  Players were coming out of the woodwork and closing in on us.  I was being violated.  I started to freak out.  We went back to our hotel room.  Had amazing sex.  Laughed about the night.  Laughed even harder about the night our neighbors were having by the BBQ.  Men on one side planning their golf outings.  Women on the other, talking about going shopping.  Glad we side-stepped that one.

So last night we met up with some sexy new friends at a rocking party.  The party was in a home that appeared to be built for the purpose of hosting these type of parties.  Think multiple levels with couples flirting, dancing and more.  We were definitely in a playful mood and there was a strong connection.  One where endorphins and a host of other feel-good chemicals mix with the Belvedere Vodka.  Its an amazing feeling to connect with another couple or single female and to get the natural high that flirtation and attraction can set off.  This is one of the reasons so many are probably attracted to cheating on their partner.  The lifestyle creates the feeling that often times hasn't been experienced since dating.  It gives you that rush of excitement that feeling wanted and attracted to someone new can provide.  On so many levels it becomes a drug of choice that can be addicting.  We had the opportunity to take things to the next level at the party.  We didn't take it for the same reason we left the Halloween Party five years ago.  The venue wasn't special enough and there were too many spectators and people letting their raw primal instincts cloud their judgement.  So we went home alone.  And I'm trying to find a sitter again........

Saturday, October 10, 2009

What's the Hurry? Let me Tell You

Jake and I had an amazing evening last night.  We left a little later than planned so we didn't have time to go out to dinner before our Sexy Party.  In typical Jake & Mimi fashion, we grabbed Clif Bars at a gas station and ate them in the car.

We were invited to an intimate Tantra Party in a beautiful setting.  Candles, chocolate, wine, feathers, blindfolds.  It was our first experience with Tantra.  Thanks to Sting, at least we had heard of the ancient religious, philosophical practice involving the body.  Naturally, our curiosity was piqued.

Jake and I were both very excited and open to the idea that even after 20 years of being together, we could learn new techniques to pleasure each other.  At first, we were so giggly I thought we were going to have to be separated.  He whispered that we're too much like brother and sister.  I think it was the heat of his breath in my ear that helped me to focus enough to call sensual Mimi to the occasion.

We played together.  We played with other partners.  We tried many different exercises focused on taking your time.  Having Patience.  What's the Hurry?

I was a perfect student until about 2 a.m.  I couldn't stop thinking about the next day and what I had planned.  I have a family, remember?  Last night Jake and I gave ourselves a luxurious gift of eight hours of eroticism together.  Sorry, folks.  I think that's all I've got.  Could I have done a better job with practicing patience?  I had the best of intentions.  I actually put my watch on as we were walking out the door to leave.  I thought it would be better if I didn't have access to tangibles such as time.  But on second thought, that didn't seem like a realistic expectation for Mimi.

At the close of the date, I felt a little like Debbie Downer.  "We have to go."  I'd like to be the girl that can stay.  Until noon.  But that's why I'm conflicted.  And home in bed with my puppy planning a day with my family.  I like the balance.  I just hate interrupting the moment.

Friday, October 9, 2009

The Root of all Swinging: I do not want to become my mother

I love my mom.  She's a real-woman's Martha Stewart.  Knows how to go to the grocery store, shop with a budget, and come home with enough groceries for the next seven days and have ingredients for different meals.  Unlike me, who goes to the market (with a list), yet comes home with four cases of coke zero, a case of Perrier, fruit, vegetables, eggs, salsa and peanut M & M's.  I don't realize until 6:00 p.m. that I forgot to think about what I am actually going to make for dinner.  Shit!  So, I serve either Paul Newman's frozen pizza (which I love) or scrambled eggs.

From my mom's eyes, I am a total mess.  Sure, I'm fun to be with.  But "my poor husband," "he deserves better." I should make more of an effort to be a better "housewife."

This morning I asked her to drive my kids to school and she said she had to take a full-shower (hair washed, curled) and also apply make-up (foundation up).  I am shuttering to think about these wacked out priorities!!!

Here's my fear.  I do not want to live in a box and be boring (like my sweet mother).  She is so consumed with taking care of us, she's lost all perspective on the dynamic person she has buried inside of her.  I am sure she and my dad have Suburban Sex (how gross is that thought?).

So, I'm going to blame her for my indiscrepancies.  Which I wouldn't label them that, by the way.  I'll lump her in with society for such a term.

Here's how my day is going to go today.  I'm going to eat ultra lean & healthy today. Get my nails done. Take a nap.  Shower & blow-dry later in the day so I will be fresh for my big night out.  Pre-pack a "party bag."  We've got a Tantra party we are going to, so I'll be packing a different outfit to change into as well as some sexy toys.  Lots of preparation.  It won't be worth the effort if I am exhausted.

So, instead of Jake coming home to apple streudel (okay, my mom did make this for him last night), he'll be coming home to sexy, shaven, manicured Mimi.  Ready to party.   Everybody wins.  It takes effort to keep the spark ignited.  It's not just about living inside of your house and making it a home (although this is important, too).

I see so many women forget that a marriage is supposed to be meaningful and rewarding.  It's the ultimate relationship.  I've said before, even if you are unhappy in your marriage, there was a time when you had hormones flaring.  It's essential to remember the steps you took to keep the flame burning.  It's about sexy.  We should never become too old or consumed to cater to that side of ourselves.  It's a gift we give to ourselves as well as our mate.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Give & Receive

I've earned the right to post that I get it:  we give all day.  Even if no one's home to see it, we're giving something to someone.  I'll even go so far as to say the tennis clinic today was really for my husband's benefit.  Who wouldn't want his wife to wear a tiny-tiny little skirt around town all day and know how to hit a slice serve?  I know this is "stretching it" but us suburban housewives have to be dynamic.  I'm not trying to "Stepford-ize" myself or any of my friends, but let's face it, there needs to be more to staying home than making a great roast.  

My friends who "get it" (I don't mean sex) have a very healthy perspective on "me time."  I have to include myself in my priorities.  If I neglect my needs, I can't function at or even near capacity for those who count on me the most.  

So, beyond the tennis clinics & lattes, what's the best way to acknowledge the value you provide to your household?  Receive.  Become a receiver.  I am new to this method, as well.  As I lay in bed this morning, I let Jake take care of my needs.  I tried to reciprocate, but he just smiled and told me to enjoy the moment.  So what if the kids are 10 minutes late for school.  Is that really the end of the world?  Would it kill anyone to have a pre-packaged granola bar for snack-time instead of cut up cheese & vegetables?  Definitely not.  So, this morning, I chose myself as the priority.  And it felt good.  So so so so good.

I'll give as well.  I've been shopping for sexy lingerie to wear to a tantra party this weekend.  It's never too late to learn new skills......

Friday, October 2, 2009

Jake's Response to Suburban Sex. What is it? Who's having it?

Well Mimi, thank you for the invitation to guest blog and I am honored to be able to take a stab at representing the other half of the equation in suburban sex. Let me state upfront that I have a somewhat non-traditional opinion and viewpoint on relationships and what it takes to make them work. So, many of you will probably not agree with what I serve up below.

Mimi, you are correct in your observations that many couples appear to be in some sort of a business partnership as opposed to a loving relationship. The divorce rate statistics suggests that the odds are your marriage will fail and many stay together and live in a dysfunctional relationship. So for those of you who need data, there it is. The fact is most of the couples we come into contact with are not happy in their relationship.

I am always amazed at how busy life is and I do think this takes a toll on the relationship. We are fortunate enough to allow Mimi to manage the household. This luxury takes a tremendous strain off of our relationship. I do consider Mimi's responsibilities a full time job and she is far better at it than I would be. I make a point to recognize this and to let her know that she does a terrific job of running the household and all that it entails. So that is my first piece of advice. Make sure you tell your sweetie that she is doing a great job and that you appreciate all the little things she does or for being gainfully employed and being a great mother or wife.. In fact, make sure you do this on a routine basis, at least once a week.

This next topic is a little controversial for guys because they think putting time into personal appearance takes away from their masculinity. Wake up guys! Women like men who take time to look their best. I can't tell you how often we meet a great looking sexy lady with a beer-bellied out of shape poorly dressed man at her side. And, we have a rule that we don't take one for the team. Honestly, Mimi has said on numerous occasions, "I am done with the lifestyle because there are too few hot guys out there!"

Now this doesn't mean you need to look like your spending all your time shopping and primping. It does mean you need to get your lazy ass in the gym five days a week and do some aerobic activity and lift weights. It also means you need lay off the beer and stop eating like its your last meal. Packing on the pounds and dressing in worn out dockers and an old discolored polo shirt with grass stained New Balance sneakers says, "I really don't care about myself, nor do I care that my wife doesn't find me attractive." Actions speak louder than words and your inability to take care of yourself is sending a loud and clear message.

Buy yourself some fashionable staples like dark rinse designer jeans (plan on spending at least $150) a black dress shirt ($40-60) and nice pair of loafers ($200-$500). Don't forget a new pair of designer underwear. For less than $750 you will impress your lady and possibly save your marriage. Another incidental benefit is it will most likely result in tangible benefits on your career if you focus on looking your best. In the long run, you will easily recover the clothing and gym costs.

My next tip is to spend some time on building some romance in your relationship. Consider for a moment how much time you spend preparing for your fishing, golfing, or hunting male bonding trips. Do you spend this much time on setting up a hot romantic night out with your spouse? Dinner reservations at her favorite restaurant and dancing afterwards is something far too few couples engage in. Really make it a big night and splurge on a hotel room. Make it a cool hotel like a "W" or a stylish boutique place that makes her feel like you really care. Don't bitch about the money. If you think its too much to spend, then I suggest you call one of your recently divorced buddies and meet him for lunch. Be sure to ask him how much its costing him. Or, think about how much you spent at the strip club or the $500 on the whore during your last business trip. A romantic night out once a quarter should be in your household budget and consider it an investment. I think you'll also be pleasantly surprised at the great sex the two of you will have.

My last piece of advice is to help out around the house. It's so easy to get complacent and to let it all fall to your spouse. You can come up unlimited excuses and justifications on why you can't help. But I encourage you to suck it up and figure out how to use the washer and dryer and the Dyson you spent $500 on or to make the bed. Surprise her one afternoon when she is out by cleaning the place and making dinner (even if it means throwing burgers and corn on the grill). She will love the fact that you care enough about her and kids to make an effort to help. I have ruined several articles of clothing; Mimi's new $150 sweater or $50 panties, but she still was impressed that I was trying to help out.

Yes, I know, many of my penis packing compadres are laughing after reading this saying, "this guy is a homo". If they only knew that this homo is having the best sex of his life with Mimi (and occasionally menage a trois with her hot girlfriends) and our relationship is stronger than ever! If your not going to take my advice, then you should expect to hear these words soon, "This is not working and I want out!" Its up to you to decide and I would love to hear your thoughts on this issue.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

If you take a close look, we all want the same things

Vanilla.  Swinger.  Married.  Single.  What's the difference?  We all want to have sex.  Some don't know they want to have sex.  Some think about sex all of the time.  And most are in the middle.  Sex feels good.  I love it.  Skin on skin.  Lacy lingerie on my skin or on the floor.  Dirty talk.  Gigging.  It doesn't really matter what road you take, just that at some point you get there (or get off!).

Most of us have the same basic philosophies.  Put out good, get good in return (karma).  We can't all get along because we have such different ideas on how to put good out there.  And we try so hard.  But obstacles prevent us from spreading the love.

Life in Suburbia has limitless frustrations, especially for a stay-at-home parent.  I call my routine "moving from pile to pile."  I wish the mail only came one day per week.  I have been cooking the same five meals for the past two decades.  I'm trying to write this blog and help my daughter with her Spanish homework.  And keep dinner from burning.  After Jake gets home, I'll need to serve dinner, do the dishes, make sure the kids get showered and to bed on time.   I also need to flip the wash, put away the laundry get the idea.  A whole bunch of repetitive tasks.

At the end of the year, I don't get an evaluation slating me for significant promotion.  I only get a raise if Jake does.  I could easily be fired (ha ha).  There is so much monotony.  Did I mention I am a chauffeur for my kids many after school activities?  

All of this minutia and on top of it, I call my quest towards self-maintenance and personal grooming full-time work.  Botox, fillers, hair extensions, pilates, tennis, hiking, kayaking, teeth whitening, waxing, laser hair remover, fruit acid peels......I need an assistant to keep myself on track.  Oh, I am the assistant.  So it's a lot of work just being vanilla.  Why add the sexy risque multi-partner play dimension?

On a pro-swinger day I will argue that I like having a secret.  I like being someone else's secret.  I adore being my own husband's secret.  It's something the average married couple can't understand unless they experience it.  Sadly, it's something they will all judge with such venom and hatred.

Here's what I want to share with my friends without ties to the lifestyle.  Every action I've been involved in has been of my own consent.  And Jake has been there (well, one time he wasn't, but he ENCOURAGED me to go).   Some events have been regretful.  But you have to move on from those.  Just as you do from an ugly neighborhood confrontation involving the height of your neighbor's fence or a confrontation with your best friend about her weight.  You should have kept your mouth (legs?) shut.  And you regret it.  Same feelings.

I'm going to go deep here.  Some vanillas I know have had affairs.  Definition:  secret sex outside the marriage.  These partners stray for one reason or another and seek comfort or passion elsewhere.  It happens in every neighborhood, in every school.  It's hard on the community.  We generally feel for one of the parties.  And often, we hope they can work it out and get back on track.  Whether they do or don't generally doesn't evoke much change in our day to day activities with this couple trying to hold it together.  Behind closed doors we'll call one of them an ass.  But that's pretty much the extent of it.  Our kids can still play at their house and when it's over, it's pretty much forgotten.

The ramifications of lifestyle exposure are so much more severe.  The community treats swingers like lepers with STD's.  There is no forgiveness.  There is embarrassment.  And shame.  But why?  This couple has decided to stray beyond the marriage TOGETHER.  And come home together.  Who cares what studies say.  The odds of them staying together can't be any worse than the 50% divorce rate of a typical marriage.

So what I am trying to say is don't judge anyone.  You don't need to walk a mile in their shoes.  Just make sure your own are the right size.