Friday, October 2, 2009

Jake's Response to Suburban Sex. What is it? Who's having it?

Well Mimi, thank you for the invitation to guest blog and I am honored to be able to take a stab at representing the other half of the equation in suburban sex. Let me state upfront that I have a somewhat non-traditional opinion and viewpoint on relationships and what it takes to make them work. So, many of you will probably not agree with what I serve up below.

Mimi, you are correct in your observations that many couples appear to be in some sort of a business partnership as opposed to a loving relationship. The divorce rate statistics suggests that the odds are your marriage will fail and many stay together and live in a dysfunctional relationship. So for those of you who need data, there it is. The fact is most of the couples we come into contact with are not happy in their relationship.

I am always amazed at how busy life is and I do think this takes a toll on the relationship. We are fortunate enough to allow Mimi to manage the household. This luxury takes a tremendous strain off of our relationship. I do consider Mimi's responsibilities a full time job and she is far better at it than I would be. I make a point to recognize this and to let her know that she does a terrific job of running the household and all that it entails. So that is my first piece of advice. Make sure you tell your sweetie that she is doing a great job and that you appreciate all the little things she does or for being gainfully employed and being a great mother or wife.. In fact, make sure you do this on a routine basis, at least once a week.

This next topic is a little controversial for guys because they think putting time into personal appearance takes away from their masculinity. Wake up guys! Women like men who take time to look their best. I can't tell you how often we meet a great looking sexy lady with a beer-bellied out of shape poorly dressed man at her side. And, we have a rule that we don't take one for the team. Honestly, Mimi has said on numerous occasions, "I am done with the lifestyle because there are too few hot guys out there!"

Now this doesn't mean you need to look like your spending all your time shopping and primping. It does mean you need to get your lazy ass in the gym five days a week and do some aerobic activity and lift weights. It also means you need lay off the beer and stop eating like its your last meal. Packing on the pounds and dressing in worn out dockers and an old discolored polo shirt with grass stained New Balance sneakers says, "I really don't care about myself, nor do I care that my wife doesn't find me attractive." Actions speak louder than words and your inability to take care of yourself is sending a loud and clear message.

Buy yourself some fashionable staples like dark rinse designer jeans (plan on spending at least $150) a black dress shirt ($40-60) and nice pair of loafers ($200-$500). Don't forget a new pair of designer underwear. For less than $750 you will impress your lady and possibly save your marriage. Another incidental benefit is it will most likely result in tangible benefits on your career if you focus on looking your best. In the long run, you will easily recover the clothing and gym costs.

My next tip is to spend some time on building some romance in your relationship. Consider for a moment how much time you spend preparing for your fishing, golfing, or hunting male bonding trips. Do you spend this much time on setting up a hot romantic night out with your spouse? Dinner reservations at her favorite restaurant and dancing afterwards is something far too few couples engage in. Really make it a big night and splurge on a hotel room. Make it a cool hotel like a "W" or a stylish boutique place that makes her feel like you really care. Don't bitch about the money. If you think its too much to spend, then I suggest you call one of your recently divorced buddies and meet him for lunch. Be sure to ask him how much its costing him. Or, think about how much you spent at the strip club or the $500 on the whore during your last business trip. A romantic night out once a quarter should be in your household budget and consider it an investment. I think you'll also be pleasantly surprised at the great sex the two of you will have.

My last piece of advice is to help out around the house. It's so easy to get complacent and to let it all fall to your spouse. You can come up unlimited excuses and justifications on why you can't help. But I encourage you to suck it up and figure out how to use the washer and dryer and the Dyson you spent $500 on or to make the bed. Surprise her one afternoon when she is out by cleaning the place and making dinner (even if it means throwing burgers and corn on the grill). She will love the fact that you care enough about her and kids to make an effort to help. I have ruined several articles of clothing; Mimi's new $150 sweater or $50 panties, but she still was impressed that I was trying to help out.

Yes, I know, many of my penis packing compadres are laughing after reading this saying, "this guy is a homo". If they only knew that this homo is having the best sex of his life with Mimi (and occasionally menage a trois with her hot girlfriends) and our relationship is stronger than ever! If your not going to take my advice, then you should expect to hear these words soon, "This is not working and I want out!" Its up to you to decide and I would love to hear your thoughts on this issue.


  1. EXCELLENT advice, Jake. Guys, take notice of this big time. A guy that truly gets it!

  2. Jake, points all taken. Although I think guys who hadn't thought this far are most likely on their way down that "bad" path. Cheers.