Thursday, October 1, 2009

If you take a close look, we all want the same things

Vanilla.  Swinger.  Married.  Single.  What's the difference?  We all want to have sex.  Some don't know they want to have sex.  Some think about sex all of the time.  And most are in the middle.  Sex feels good.  I love it.  Skin on skin.  Lacy lingerie on my skin or on the floor.  Dirty talk.  Gigging.  It doesn't really matter what road you take, just that at some point you get there (or get off!).

Most of us have the same basic philosophies.  Put out good, get good in return (karma).  We can't all get along because we have such different ideas on how to put good out there.  And we try so hard.  But obstacles prevent us from spreading the love.

Life in Suburbia has limitless frustrations, especially for a stay-at-home parent.  I call my routine "moving from pile to pile."  I wish the mail only came one day per week.  I have been cooking the same five meals for the past two decades.  I'm trying to write this blog and help my daughter with her Spanish homework.  And keep dinner from burning.  After Jake gets home, I'll need to serve dinner, do the dishes, make sure the kids get showered and to bed on time.   I also need to flip the wash, put away the laundry get the idea.  A whole bunch of repetitive tasks.

At the end of the year, I don't get an evaluation slating me for significant promotion.  I only get a raise if Jake does.  I could easily be fired (ha ha).  There is so much monotony.  Did I mention I am a chauffeur for my kids many after school activities?  

All of this minutia and on top of it, I call my quest towards self-maintenance and personal grooming full-time work.  Botox, fillers, hair extensions, pilates, tennis, hiking, kayaking, teeth whitening, waxing, laser hair remover, fruit acid peels......I need an assistant to keep myself on track.  Oh, I am the assistant.  So it's a lot of work just being vanilla.  Why add the sexy risque multi-partner play dimension?

On a pro-swinger day I will argue that I like having a secret.  I like being someone else's secret.  I adore being my own husband's secret.  It's something the average married couple can't understand unless they experience it.  Sadly, it's something they will all judge with such venom and hatred.

Here's what I want to share with my friends without ties to the lifestyle.  Every action I've been involved in has been of my own consent.  And Jake has been there (well, one time he wasn't, but he ENCOURAGED me to go).   Some events have been regretful.  But you have to move on from those.  Just as you do from an ugly neighborhood confrontation involving the height of your neighbor's fence or a confrontation with your best friend about her weight.  You should have kept your mouth (legs?) shut.  And you regret it.  Same feelings.

I'm going to go deep here.  Some vanillas I know have had affairs.  Definition:  secret sex outside the marriage.  These partners stray for one reason or another and seek comfort or passion elsewhere.  It happens in every neighborhood, in every school.  It's hard on the community.  We generally feel for one of the parties.  And often, we hope they can work it out and get back on track.  Whether they do or don't generally doesn't evoke much change in our day to day activities with this couple trying to hold it together.  Behind closed doors we'll call one of them an ass.  But that's pretty much the extent of it.  Our kids can still play at their house and when it's over, it's pretty much forgotten.

The ramifications of lifestyle exposure are so much more severe.  The community treats swingers like lepers with STD's.  There is no forgiveness.  There is embarrassment.  And shame.  But why?  This couple has decided to stray beyond the marriage TOGETHER.  And come home together.  Who cares what studies say.  The odds of them staying together can't be any worse than the 50% divorce rate of a typical marriage.

So what I am trying to say is don't judge anyone.  You don't need to walk a mile in their shoes.  Just make sure your own are the right size.

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