Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Suburban Sex. What is it? Who's having it?

Sex.  Suburban, mission style sex.  It's killing good, respectable marriages.  It's a term I've coined to name the act many women my age engage in about once a week.  These women are repulsed by their husbands.  And vice versa.  On the one hand, you have a man who plays slave to ESPN and Hustler Club.  On the other, you have a woman who stays silent so she can have the big house, nanny, SUV, etc.  It's a business relationship, rather than a relationship.

I clearly see the woman in this role because I have bit my lip once or twice before as well.  When Jake come home from work, some days I am tired.  By 8 a.m. I've fed the dog, fed the kids (breakfast & lunch) and chauffered everyone off to begin their days.  I'm already tired.  And I have dishes to do.  And I have decisions to make all day that seem really unimportant.  What kind of pebble do you want for the landscaping?  What are we having for dinner?  Should we really be paying $250 per month for cable?

Don't even get me started on how exhausting the obligatory small talk is that I'm required to make at least a few days a week.  More with the piano lessons, lacrosse, personal basketball coaches......new market.  Organic produce.

What I'm trying to say is that at 10:00 p.m., I don't always want to have sex.  I'd like to sit in silence in head-to-toe flannel watching "The Hills."

So of course, some nights, I do choose the remote control over the pocket-rocket.  But most nights I want to win the battle over exhaustion.  I want to harness the power I get inside from knowing that I am the woman that rocks my husbands world.  Isn't that the spark that prompts "suburban sex' in the first place? He wants sex.  From me.  This makes me sexy.  Who wouldn't wake up from a coma to feel sexy?

Instead, exaustion wins out in many of these perfectly appointed suburban homes.  She goes to bed shortly after saying goodnight to the kids.  She pretends to be sleeping when he enters the room.  But really, she is tense from head to toe because she knows tonight's the night.  He'll give her "the tap."  She'll lie there on her back.  Quite.  Bored.  Making to-do lists in her head.  Then, relieved that the next six nights she'll be in the clear.

Many of these women laying there in silence are good friends of mine.  They're not evil, man-haters.  They're just lost in this game and have lost sight of what's important.  I want to give them advice.  Here are some principles I try and live by.  Not only for my husband.  But for me.

1.  You must take care of yourself.  This means at least 4 days a week, you have to wear something you charged at Nordstroms.  Instead of waiting for a special occasion.  Just look your best, most of the time.  Pretend you are going out, even if you are not.  This will give you energy because you will feel like you have purpose.

2.  Initiate Sex.  Don't just give in.  Even if you don't want it, if tonight is the night, own it.  Control it.  There's no bigger turn on for your spouse than feeling wanted and sexy.

3.  You married him.  There was at least a brief period of time when you couldn't keep your hands off him.  Take yourself there.  If that doesn't work, you can always picture Matthew McConaughey.

4.  Stop telling him what to do.  And how much to drink, or not to drink.  Appreciate what he does.  Seriously.  There has to be something.

5.  Take a nap.  Really.  Sleep is the answer to most problems.  Not money.  Get enough of what you can control.

How about you, Mr. ESPN.  I've really taken you out of the hot seat with this to-do list for the Mrs.  What is your top 5?  I should ask Jake to post this, because I am lucky he does more than I could.  I'll see if I can get him a guest author spot.

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